The Cure to Making the Bed

Get a girlfriend and leave it for her to do. No, no. I am just kidding yet at the same time I am completely serious. No, no it is a joke yet it is only funny because it is true. I mean that it is just an old fashioned stereotype and as a modern man I am happy to do it myself; or not doing it myself and happy to make excuses such as “I am letting it air”.

Anyway, if you have not guessed what I did last night then keep up. I was making the bed, which for me is a regular thing because I like new clean sheets, the fresher the better for me. Call it OCD, call it whatever you like but there is nothing better than cuddling up and falling asleep in newly warmed sheets.

Yes I am a freak. I can’t just have new sheets that have been sat in the cupboard for a month waiting to be used. I need the fresh out of the tumble dryer clean. It is by far the best yet it is an art. An art that I have not yet perfected but here is how I do it anyway.

It starts like any other day, by waking up in the morning, forcing the eyelids open as you moan hate filled words towards the alarm clock. I admit it. I am not the best morning person. I am not the worst but communicating with people before 9am is a challenge for me. Why anyone would want to talk about things before 9am is lost on me. The answer to the question “What shall we do today?” only will get answers like sleep, hug, stay in bed all day or the such like before 9am. After that time I am like a hyper chimpanzee.

However, some mornings I do get the inspiration to wash the bed sheets. It takes about 5 seconds to strip them off; the under-sheet, the bed sheet, the duvet and the pillow cases. I throw the sheets and the duvet in the washing machine, chuck in the extra soft fabric conditioner, switch it on and then go about my day. It is okay to let them soak all day long. When you get back you chuck the sheets in to dry, not the duvet sheet now. It won’t dry in time. Don’t hang it over a door either unless you want the paint to peel or the wood to stain. Wash the pillow cases and then when they are done dry them with the duvet cover; it should all be ready by bedtime.

Now here comes the important part, this bit Is all about timing, the quicker the better. The sheets should still be luke warm and the duvet and pillows should be amazingly warm but to get the most out of the cosiness. I used to have a double bed that you could walk all the way round so getting the sheet on it was swift and easy but now it is up against the wall it is just a hassle. I can’t reach the far side of the bed, the wall is in the way. I need a sledge hammer to overcome the obstacle in order to make room for tucking the sheets under the mattress.

It is a struggle but I struggle away. Yes I do, it never quite looks like something out of a catalogue but it does me. Then on to the duvet. For me, this is where you really have to get stuck in. I take the quilt with the corners in each hand, the tags at the bottom, the tags are always at the bottom. I then dive into the quilt cover finding the matching corners before standing up as if I was dressed as a ghost for Halloween; a ghost that could not find a white sheet so thought the curtains would do yet nevertheless still a ghost.

The warmth spreads all around me falling in to place as I creep out. I match the last two sets of corners together and I am a ghost no more. Back in the land of the living I button up the buttons and then take the duvet and giving it a good and thorough shake until I lay it to rest. With a cold chill I quickly jump in and wrap myself up to await the dreams or the nightmares to come; not caring about which because they seem one of the same.